Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Plagiarize This! A Special Post for the RNC (and DNC)


I’m not going to discuss the specifics of Melania Trump’s plagiarism (other than…Paul Manafort knows about the invention of recordings, correct?). 

What I would like to do is take some common words - some of which have been used in My Little Pony, the dictionary, Yosemite Sam and others - and put them here in my post and invite all speakers from the Republican National Convention AND the Democratic National Convention to plagiarize them. 

That’s right: I am giving you all my expressed written consent to copy my words without royalties or retribution (if you want implied oral consent as well you can call me on my cell). 

The thing is: pro-bicycle and pro-cycling measures fit in to the platforms of both camps and, as I’ve said repeatedly since I got the Democrat and Republican mayoral candidates to go biking with me in Stamford, Connecticut: neither side owns the issue of better biking. 

So without further delay here are some ready-for-prime time words both conventions should feel free to use - and you’ll notice right away how seamless cycling fits into the everyday lives no matter if there is a ‘R’ or a ‘D’ next to one’s name:

FOR REPUBLICAN CONVENTION SPEECHES:

“We can free businesses from the outdated regulation of parking minimum mandates and unclog the lines of commerce feeding Main Street America!”

“Make no mistake about it! The extra time you spend in traffic is an extra tax even though there is no IRS form to fill out. The money you have to spend on gas when your car doesn’t move anywhere comes straight out of your pocket. Something Hillary will never admit to!”

“We have nominated a builder, and we are going to build transportation infrastructure for the 21st century - something Hillary doesn’t know anything about! Ride your bike to work and ride with your family for an ice cream without fear!”

“Since our police department changed some of our car patrols to bike patrols, I have found it easier to connect with the community I’m policing. I have had wonderful conversations with the families and with the children I meet along the beat. And I lost some weight, which my wife - who is the wonderful mother of our 13 children - really appreciates!”

“Before coming here tonight, I spent some time volunteering for Ohio City Bicycle Co-op here in Cleveland. They help the less fortunate in the community earn bicycles by working - a true example for the kind of social enterprise we need in this country that puts a premium on work - not handouts. And we have to create tax incentives in place so organizations like the Co-op have a chance to flourish in every major city across America!” 

“ Since (Name of small town that embraced Vision Zero here) implanted their Complete Streets plan, (Name of working class man/woman here) only needs 18 minutes to get to work instead of 24 minutes to drive. That is extra family time. You won't get that if you vote for Hillary!"

FOR DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION SPEECHES:

“It is time to apply these solutions to every state! It is time for some traffic solutions in Pennsylvania, it is time for some traffic solutions in California and, above all, it is time for some traffic solutions in New Jersey!”

“Thank you Philadelphia! You are beautiful city to ride in! We’d also like to thank the local artists who made the bike rack outside in the shape of a donkey. There they are! Sitting with the Pennsylvania delegation! Give them a round of applause!”

“Since I got my bicycle, I hardly use my Prius at all and it is a lot easier to get to and from Whole Foods and not worry about parking!”

“We can all do our part against climate change by using our cars less and riding our bikes more - and we can empower Americans to do the same by creating a better and safer place for everyone to ride and walk."

“After my operation that never would have been possible without the Affordable Care Act, I have begun cycling again with my grandchildren.”


“For those of you watching at home: help us make a difference for every American. Not just the carbon fiber frame riders on Sand Hill Road in Silicon Valley, but for the steel frame fixie riders in Dumbo in Brooklyn and everyone in between. We all ride on the same roads, we should all move forward together.”

That's what I've got for now as the GOP convention moves into its third day. In the meantime, I hope everyone in Cleveland enjoys their time there (and everyone has consulted my list of eight things to do in Cleveland) and attendees for the DNC enjoys their time in Philadelphia as well. Oh, and Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, if you are reading this, my invitation to go biking with you still stands. Thanks for reading, thanks for riding, and thanks for copying and pasting.

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